To make a relationship last: couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes and dreams.” John M. Gottman
For a healthy relationship with your partner, there must be a secure attachment with him or her. Most people have a desire to be connected and cared for by another person. When a person does not feel securely attached to their partner this can lead to fears of abandonment, rejection, and loneliness. When there is a lack of secure attachment, couples can struggle with trust issues, communication, and feeling safe or vulnerable in their relationships. When intimate partners are not able to meet each other’s emotional needs, they may become stuck in negative patterns of interaction driven by ineffective attempts to get each other to understand their emotional and relational needs (Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT). These negative cycles may include arguing, criticizing one another, withdrawing/avoiding, or not talking to your partner.
These negative cycles can be identified and modified so the couple feels safer, respected, heard, and their emotional and physical intimacies enhanced. To change negative cycles in relationships, you must identify the current negative cycles and be willing to stop the negative cycle with your partner. Then you must change the way you interact with him or her. Your language to your partner must be supportive and caring to build safety and trust to ensure he or she feels more secure in your relationship. Your language can include: “I feel we are beginning to get into a negative cycle with one another, will you please slow down with me and let’s talk about how we are feeling?” Let your partner know how important they are to you and their feelings matter to you.
The following are 8 key components in cultivating healthy relationships:
*Trust: Creates a safe environment, secure attachment, and allows for vulnerability
*Respect: For one another and oneself
*Communication: Our words should be positive, supportive, and encouraging; we need to build up, not tear down – it is important to listen twice as much as one talks – we have two ears and one mouth for a reason
*Compromise: Creates positive and healthy solutions; a roadmap for conflict that will arise
*Friendship: It is important to genuinely “like” who one loves; do we talk to our partner like we do our best friend?
*Humor: Laughter is truly the best medicine
*Attraction: Physical, emotional, spiritual attraction can/will grow and deepen with time
*Dating: Continuing to date is crucial in cultivating long-term relationships – “the moment we stop dating is the moment our love starts dying”
A great resource to utilize to build a healthier relationship is Gary Chapman and The Five Love Languages. Identifying you and your partner’s love language can help you both recognize, understand, and meet one another’s needs to enhance your emotional and physical intimacies. If you know your partner’s love language you can offer them more of what they need to feel loved, appreciated, and respected in the relationship. Another relationship resource is Dr. Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy, who wrote Hold Me Tight and Love Sense that teaches couples how to effectively change negative communications cycles (drsuejohnson.com). Marriage and Family Therapists are mental health professionals trained in working with couples and families in creating healthier relationships, enhancing emotional attachment, and strengthening bonds. We all deserve to cultivate healthy and positive relationships.
Article written by: Susan Bradshaw, LMFT, TF-CBT & EMDR-T and
Leah McMillan, DPA, LMFT, EMDR-T, CFRC
(Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists at EnSpire Counseling & Wellness, LLC)