I’ve learned that what I went through, I grew through. I had courage and bravery and didn’t even know it.
April has always been a difficult month for me, specifically April 1st.
It was the day my boyfriend and his two friends raped me.
I typically spend the days around my anniversary anxious, irritated, & frustrated. The flashbacks and nightmares happen more frequently everything just gets worse, and I can’t wait for it to be over.
For so many years I felt broken and shattered and so, so alone. I kept a smile on my face as best I could even though on the inside I was screaming for help. I didn’t want to hurt anymore but I was trembling in fear of reliving any pain from my traumas. Drugs, alcohol, sex, a disguised eating disorder, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations is how I got through.
I was simply unable to understand how to free myself.
It may have taken me a long time but God knew it was finally my time
My season of life to learn, grow, & shine.
I have learned I deserve better & I didn’t deserve anything that happened to me.
My rape was not my fault.
Fifteen years later, through lots of work in therapy I am finally able to let him go.
All of them go.
I’ve learned that what I went through, I grew through.
I had courage and bravery and didn’t even know it.
I was never broken. I was trying to survive. Through all of it, alone.
I have learned to forgive but I will never forget.
I do not let my perpetrators, and bullies, try and drag me down and feel broken anymore.
They have no power.
I’m free.
I’ve broken the chains.
And that, has been the most powerful thing I’ve ever done.
So now every day, every anniversary, instead of being a victim
I am choosing to be a survivor.
Written by a Courageous and Inspirational Survivor and EnSpire Client