“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
The movie “Shenandoah” rates a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. In the movie, Jimmy Stewart portrays a father who is raising his sons and daughter while trying to keep his family together as they work the family farm, and not become involved in the Civil War.
In one scene, a young man, Sam, who has been dating his daughter, Jennie, comes to Jimmy Stewart to ask for permission to marry his daughter.
The father asks him an unusual question:
“Do you like her?”
The young man responds: “Well, I just said…”
And the father interrupts:
“No, no. You just said you loved her. There is a difference between lovin’ and likin’.
When I married Jennie’s mother, I didn’t love her – I liked her… I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at leastthree years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me, I loved her. And I still do.
You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold…”
For many couples, the ideal or ultimate form of Love is found in Marriage.
3 Questions to ponder about Love and Marriage:
- How can you have a healthy (or some would say “good”) marriage?
- How can you love the other person?
- How can you like the other person?
One of the greatest ways to have a “good” or healthy marriage and being the best spouse you can be, is by being a good friend to the person you are married to. Being a good friend in marriage means you are there “till death do us part.” You are committed to one another. You treat one another with respect, admiration, trust, and honesty. This gives your relationship a deep level of security.
Marriage is not about being happy 24 hours a day – that places a heavy burden on someone else to try to “make” you happy. Matter of fact, no one can “make” someone happy; they can influence another’s happiness but cannot force happiness. Abraham Lincoln once said, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” To have a healthy marriage, be kind and nice to each other – rudeness has no part among friends. Ask yourself – would you communicate to your best friend the way you are communicating to your partner. Be more intentional in your communication with your partner. Listen to understand, not to just respond.
If you happen to discover that you don’t feel “in love” anymore, be more loving to your spouse. Do not try to “keep score” on who owes more in the marriage – just keep giving to and loving your spouse because they give a lot to be with you! Expectations can cause serious cracks in the foundation of one’s marriage. Stop expecting your partner to be you and love him/her for who they are.
You never really get to know your spouse until the two of you go through a major crisis together – in fact, you never know yourself very well until you go through such a crisis.
Marriage is one of the oldest and greatest institutions in the history of mankind. If you choose to enter in, please do so with the full understanding that you will do so by seeking to create and grow something very important – a very special, lifelong, friendship!
“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.”—Franz Schubert
Written by:
John Klimko, Jr., LMFT (Marriage and Family Therapist and Pastoral Counselor with EnSpire Counseling & Wellness)
Leah McMillan, DPA, LMFT, CFRC (Founder/Owner/Clinical Therapist of EnSpire Counseling & Wellness)