Although we know that grieving is an expected part of life, the strong emotions which are a part of grieving can be overwhelming.
Grief is a profound, painful sense of loss which often follows the death of someone we love. Although we know that grieving is an expected part of life, the strong emotions which are a part of grieving can be overwhelming. Well-known writers such as Elizabeth Kubler Ross and many others have tried to identify a set of predictable stages of grief to teach us to make sense of what is happening to us. While understanding the stages can be helpful, my personal experience and my work with clients suggest that many people (including me) grieve in deeply personal and unique ways that do not always fit into neatly defined stages. Let’s talk about three of the many factors that cause our grief experience to be unique:
❏ Circumstances of the death. Our response to the loss of someone often depends on the set of circumstances surrounding the death including the deceased’s age, whether the death was expected/unexpected, and the cause of death (e.g., natural, accidental, or suicide). Other factors that can impact our response include whether there is financial pressure associated with medical, long-term care, or funeral expenses, the impact of the loss of the deceased’s income, or even family conflicts that arise where there is no will in place.
❏ Our relationship with the deceased. If we had a strong, positive relationship with the deceased, we often feel a keen sense of personal loss and emptiness. If, however, our relationship to this person was more complex and included both highly positive and highly negative experiences involving conflict and pain, we may be left with mixed feelings about the deceased, feelings which sometimes complicate the grieving process.
❏ Our personal life history. There are times when prior life experiences can render us more vulnerable to a subsequent loss. For example, if we have experienced a series of losses in our life, particularly early losses, it is possible that a subsequent loss can be overwhelming. It is also possible that if we have a history of mental health or addiction issues, subsequent losses may likewise interfere with our ability to cope effectively.
There is one other point that I need to make about the experience of grief and the grieving process. Grief is not just about death! Our world can be shattered by many different events such as divorce, the loss of a long-term relationship, betrayal, abuse, financial loss, the death of a dream, legal problems, a life-threatening diagnosis, addiction, and the death of a beloved pet. These losses can be equally painful for us, but sometimes we do not feel as comfortable sharing these situations with others. Often, we fear that we will be judged. I perceive that those of us who experience this type of loss may suffer more quietly even though these individuals are just as devastated as those who are trying to cope with death.
We all need to be reminded that grief is normal. Whether it takes weeks, months, or even years, the emotions surrounding grief should diminish over time even though they never completely go away. We should reach some point in the future in which a few seeds of hope begin to push through the ground reminding us that life goes on. However, if our grief does not lessen in intensity over time and if we find ourselves “stuck” in the past, grief can turn into depression. Grief and depression are not the same although both are painful. Most of us take pride in our ability to be independent, and we believe we ought to be able to handle things alone. To that I would say – grieving is a really big deal! It is one of those undeniable experiences with the power to bring us to our knees. If we are not making progress on our own, we may need a “jump start” from someone we have confidence in. I have learned that there is a tomorrow that often emerges slowly after a deep loss, a tomorrow that may be different from the past, but one that has the potential to bring us new, unexpected life satisfaction! If this article touches a chord inside of you, consider asking for help! Grieving is not for the faint of heart.
Written by Marty Giddings, Ph.D., LCSW, EMDR-T
(Clinical Therapist at EnSpire Counseling & Wellness, LLC)